Cry me a river.

I didn’t “set your house on fire.” You are overly dramatic and completely dilusional. Get over it.

I don’t know if I did the right thing. I’m having second thoughts, but what’s done is done. Fuck it. Fuck you.

Rescue me.

I make a lot of rash decisions.  I hope that what I just did wasn’t stupid and paranoid but rather sane, cautionary, and productive.  At the very least, I hope that it fucks shit up.

But knowing my luck, it will come to nothing.

I hate him and I hate her.

I’m tired all the time. Last night I sat laid on my bed to read and ended up falling asleep from 8-11. I only woke up because Jimena was going to bed, so I just went back to bed. I took a small nap today despite getting like 10 hours of sleep yesterday. I don’t know what is going on.

My Tuesday and Thursdays could potentially suck really intensly. 8 hours of class could just wear me out.

I don’t start work until Wednesday. I’m not looking forward to working in the call center where messing around will be more obvious. I’m also wondering what the fuck I’ll be doing because they apparently hired a person to do accounting work. Ugh. I need money! I can’t find any internships either.

I keep things will get better, but everything just seems to be going downhill.

Not having a car is boring. I spent my entire day in the apartment today doing homework, baking cupcakes, and playing mahjong. I need some friends.

Baby steps.

It is so hot in LA. Ok, I’m just being a baby. I can’t help it. It’s super hot in my apartment. That is not exaggerated.

I am so relieved.

Yesterday was strange. There was the shuttle debacle, unpacking, dehydration, walking to Togos, the Welcome Back Concert, lots of freshmen, and too many old faces. I always forget how much I hate people who go to SC until I get back and can’t stand them. Ugh.

I’m not really sure how I feel about being back. This year is supposed to be fun and new and different. So far I don’t realy care for it. People make fun of me, I get left alone all day (now without a car. ugh.), people flake, and I just have a feeling that people don’t like me. Great. I’m trying. I’ve become more aware of the things I say and how it effects people. My next step is to filter stupid statements out before I just blurt them out. By stupid statements, I mostly mean inane, random chatter. I know it’s annoying, but I just can’t help it sometimes. I feel awkward with a lot of silence or I want to feel included some how. I’ve generally just resigned myself at this point to not worrying about it. One day I will find my place.

You’re so guilty it’s disgusting.

Why do people lie so much? Why do people lie so much to ME? You don’t think I know what is going on? I figure that shit out. When haven’t I? It may not always be a timely discovery, but I find out. I suggest that you just don’t say anything at all. Don’t lie to my face. Omit details, please.

I feel terrible. I feel like shit. I am empty. I am full. I am scared. I am incredibly confused. I am angry. I can’t even stress that enough. I am frustrated as hell.

I don’t wish you luck. I hope she fucks you over. Again.

This has gone on way too long.

In other news, I am so fat right now. Not cool. Time to do something for once. That goes for everything.

Wait it out.

The last few days have been intersesting.

Thursday I stayed at the Seattle Waterfront Marriott. SF gave me my own room with a fucking king size bed. The hotel was so amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever stayed anywhere that nice and the best part was that I didn’t have to pay for it! I called him up and had him stay the night, but he was still super jet lagged and fell asleep early. Lame.

I called Phil Friday after work to inform him I wouldn’t be able to go to his barbeque in Alki because of Portugal and Kay Kay. He was totally stoked about the show though, so he, Ben, Nick and his girlfriend tagged along with Bret and I. The show was amazing. El Corazone is much more tolerable when you are able to go to the bar. It was way to hot though. It’s ben around 90 degrees her for the last few days and people from Western Washington just don’t do ‘extreme’ heat.

After the show I met up with the interns in Fremont. That was eh. It would have been more fun if I was able to get there earlier, but I came close to one because the show ended so late.

I bought a new laptop today. It’s a pink Sony Vaio. Everything I get lately is so girly. Whatever. As long as I like it, right? I’m kind of bummed I didn’t get a MacBook, but I really don’t need one, so the price was terrible unappealing. I can’t get the wireless to connect. I spent about 2 hours on the Sony support line trying to figure it out this afternoon. Lame.

Jenny was supposed to be here this weekend, but she isn’t answering my calls. Sound familiar?

I went to Chris and Ryan’s after dinner to hang out slash pick up my sweater. Things are awkward. I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama, BUT IT’S ALWAYS THERE. Fuck my life. After that I drove to the Swiss to meet up with Kate and Bobbie at the Swiss. Dos muchos. I’m not a fan of military guys, trashy girls, and having drinks spilled on me. Overall it was entertaining, but that’s about it. I was sober. That explains a lot.

Now I’m just playing with the new computer, fawning over how quickly it runs. LOVE IT. I’m hungry but there’s nothing tasty to eat in the house. I’m tired but I want to load my iTunes. I complain way to much.

Wow, this computer is fast. All 10,800 of my songs uploaded in like 15 min. Ridiculous. I hope I can keep it this way.

They should ban the ugly gymnasts from competing too.

I’m boycotting the rest of the Olympics because China is ridiculous. I’m tired of getting annoyed watching and hearing about all the corruption and deception.

Precious.

 

Prettiest. Girl. Ever.

it’s never been harder to fall.

Whenever I hear a song from The Early November’s The Room’s Too Cold, there’s a flashback to junior year of high school. I can see the rain falling on the windshield as I wait for the stoplight to turn to drive up the hill to school. A terrible feeling of loneliness always comes with it, but I’m not sure what could have been going on at this point. Winter of junior year I thought was pretty good. Well, that is if it was October -January. My obsession had recently turned into something tangible. Maybe I listened to this album a lot after I found out he was going out with Kaylie…

Unimportant entry, but I just wanted to document it. I still love this album. It will always give me chills.

I still hate him. I can’t stop thinking about him, whether it be for bad reasons or for good ones. How can I let him have this effect on me when he’s thousands of miles away?

i miss you. could you come around sometime?

Max Bemis decided to sell personalized songs in Say Anything’s merch store and I’m terribly tempted to do it. $150 seems like a good deal for a song written about you the vocalist/lyricist of a band I’ve loved for years.

When I read that post on AP, I immediately started drafting paragraphs. I wanted a song about Rory that would talk about how much I hated him for fucking with me for years. It was spiteful and immature and at the time, I felt strongly about the message. On the drive to Seattle later that night, I realized a song like that wouldn’t do anything to help me get over him, which I thought was the point. All that song would do is remind me of things he’s done and what a piece of shit he is. I know that right now. I want to get over it and move the fuck on.

My latest idea is to briefly explain how I was/am stuck in this tumultous ‘relationship,’ but that I realize I am worth more than some girl on the side. I need an anthem that will motivate me to keep going, to keep my head up, remind me that I am worth so much more than I’ve been treated in the past. That song, that message would be worth the money.

I wish I was a better writer. I fear that I will just sound pathetic and immature.

I’m tired of being here. I don’t feel like I have any friends here. All the people I would love to see are not here. I spend most of my time sitting in my room, sleeping, or shopping. Bad habits come back. I wish I was back in LA, especially when I see the pictures of everyone having fun at parties or just hanging out and being silly. Everything is so serious here.

It’s funny how I think things with the new one are different, but there are so many similarities. I have to drive because he has no car, he tells me my excuses are lame…actually, that’s all I can think of right now. I guess I’m being trivial, but those two things bothered me enough in the last 24 hours to influence my decision to stay in tonight. Fuck driving to Seattle again. I just want to sleep away the rest of the day. Or weekend. Make that summer. I have got to get out of here.

Oh, and I’m still phoneless.