i’m terrified of who i’ll become with you

She didn’t even need to read the letter. Things are so much better. Thank god for puppies – they really bring people together.

Jime found a puppy in Culver City. A little black lab. So cute. We took care of him for like 36 hours. He was definitely well loved. She took him last night to her aunt’s because she decided to keep him. I was getting allergic and that was not fun. Plus I think we were all starting to get tired of piss. It’s sad without him, but I guess now I won’t be dying.

Friday night was the Momentum Champagne party. It ended up being in someone’s backyard on Ellendale, which was not nearly as amazing as it would have been in the Prov garage, but that bitch messed everything up. I want to smear puppy poo all over her damn car. I thought I wasn’t going to drink because I was still feeling like shit from Thursday night’s USG party, but I suck at peer pressure, feel awkward being sober at parties, and I had to pay $5 to get in and figured I may as well imbibe some free alcohol, even if it was Prestige. We meant an interesting boy. He was dancing like a bunny/pterodactyl so we HAD to take pictures and make fun of him. Later he asked me if I had a cigarette (I didn’t) and we ended up talking. Apparently he was in a ‘punk band’ and we started bonding over other ‘punk bands.’ He decided we were soul mates – I don’t believe a word that comes out of a male’s mouth. He was interesting though. I hope we can be friends. (I think I secretly like him. I can’t tell. I want someone to like. Ugh.) The party was broken up very early, so we went to Hugh’s for a pre-after-party. Drank some more, talked to international kids, absinthe, pictures, and then a walk down Menlo to the true after-party. I was not feeling it, so I made Raba walk me home and then passed out.

Saturday Alex called and asked if I would accompany him to get glasses and I went because I had nothing better to do. We went off in search of Paul Frank glasses in Koreatown. Apparently it was, like, I don’t even know…there was a parade on Olympic. Not a lot of people. It was probs one of the most pathetic parades I’ve ever seen. Anyway, the glasses store smelled like kimchee and I thought I was going to throw up. I didn’t, but probs only because there wasn’t anything for me to throw up. We bought the glasses (it took FOREVER) and then drove and walked around forever (again) to eat at Wako. It was ok. Korean’s should stick to their own food. U-dong? No, udon.

We came back to Prov to nap and get ready for the night, but then I felt like shit and Alex was bored so he went home and I watched Ace of Cakes for like four hours. Exciting night.

It’s so strange to wake up Sunday morning and not be hungover. I should try it more often.

What a strange weekend. Very atypical.

i want to be whole.

I wrote her a letter. Now all I have to do is leave it for her to read and wait to see what happens.

This has got to be ten times more dramatic than the Hills. Where’s my TV show?

if we all don’t take cover…

As much as I love the excessive celebration, I need to tone it down a bit. Last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping because my heart was pounding so hard and it was freaking me out a bit. I should also mention that I basically spent the entire day hung over, despite not really drinking THAT much the night before. Maybe my liver is starting to fail me. Ok, that’s just being paranoid. Or overdramatic.

Thursday night I went over to Jessica’s to watch the premier of It’s Always Sunny. I was a little disappointed by the first two episodes, but as Freddy pointed out, they always get better throughout the season. After the ep I think we just went back to Prov and smoked hookah for the rest of the night. My mind is fuzzy. Alcohol was involved.

I had an interview downtown in the morning, so I took the bus. Interesting experience. I hate crowded buses. Jimena (eventually) met up with me and we walked all over downtown looking for the Farmer’s Market. We finally got there and it wasn’t so banging. I bought zucchini and nashi; Jime bought nothing. It was hot and I was still wearing all my business-y clothes, so I def wanted to get the fuck home.

Friday was Raba and Patino’s parties. We hit up Raba first. He always makes the best drinks. I made friends with his roommate and we bonded over strange things like Chron’s and military kids. I don’t have the disease and my father is not in the army, so I don’t know why we talked about those two things for so long. We left Raba’s fairly quickly and walked over to Magnolia. Waaaaay too many people there. I was also not as drunk as I should have been to be able to handle the situation. One kid def was though. I kept asking him questions because I knew he was so drunk he couldn’t speak, then he got up and vomited all over one of Lindsay’s coworkers. Gross but hilarious. people need to learn how to control their alcohol intake in public (though I’m the LAST person who should be saying that).

Saturday night was Brent’s Birthday Beerlympics and Ryan’s bithday. Jessica and I made a delicious Chicken Marsala dinner, but I tots forgot to take pictures of it. Lame. Freddy came over with homemade sangria, so we were pretty drunk before we realize we needed to Campus it over to Tuscany. By then the wait was over an hour, so we said FUCK IT we’re walking. Interesting decision. We made it though. Go us. The girls and I were dressed as Team Delta Force, but it didn’t really matter because we never competed. Hugh came and picked all 6 of us up in his teeny car (very unsafe) and took us to Ryan’s party. Drank some more, made some friends, took more pictures…typical Saturday night. We decided to go to another house party after Ryan’s which is stupid since we live right down the street from him, but luckily a friend drove us home when we realized our mistake.

Sunday sucked. Went to Encino for a group project. Tried to not feel like shit. Failed. Tried to do homework. Failed. Nothing on TV. Just an absolute failure of a day.

Today I came so close to quitting the Ticket Office. I am so done with it. There’s hardly anything for me to do there anymore and I hate that shirt more than life. Yes, I’m being overdramatic. I don’t care. At least TM called me back and want me to help them out. Hopefully that works out. I need to make new friends.

Went to lunch with Jess again. Brian saw me and ended up eating with us for a while. Surprisingly he had no bling in his ears…intersesting. I saw someone from high school and awkwardly kept looking at him to see if he recognized me, but decided it was best to let it go.

I want to have a crush on someone.

Pictures from the weekend:

We used to be this close. Why is this happening? I’m not even real anymore.

hurted.

I try and everything is the same. Is it me?

love lockdown.

Today has actually been a good day.

I picked up my camera from Conquest. I’m absolutely elated. Now I can take as many pictures of whatever I want as often as I see fit. No more camera borrowing. No more undocumented nights. Just perfect.

Friday I have an interview at a marketing company downtown. It’s only for part-time data entry, but it will get me off campus and slightly more towards the real world. I guess a lot of people who work there are from Seattle. Heart.

K. Now for my weekend update:

Thursday night I went with Jimena and Kevin to an exchange student party. Jime’s Hungarian friend brought us some strange alcohol made form plums…pailinka? I haven’t got a clue as to how it’s spelled. It was pretty good, but pretty strong. Let’s just say I had a fantastic time without having to drink more than two shots and a screwdriver. The international kids we met were really nice. I’m actually looking forward to attending more of their functions.

Friday night I hung out with Jessica and Alex at her apartment while everyone figured out what to do for the night. At first everyone was going out to this party on Ellendale, but after one of Jamie and Lindsay’s coworkers said it was lame, Jamie and Caitlin bailed. We decided that we would gon anyway since there was nothing better to do. It was a decent party once we found the alcohol and a few familiar faces. Of course, it’s ALWAYS the same people. We need to find a new circle of friends…Since the goal of the night was to order TG Express, we peaced out from the party and went back to Jessica’s to consume some pad thai. APparently Lindsay and I were pretty drunk because we passed the fuck out in the living room. I woke up to Raba trying to cuddle with me, decided this was NOT my idea of a good time, grabbed my chow mein and had him walk me home at 4 in the morning.  No walk of shame for me (even if nothing even happened…)

I worked the Ohio State game Saturday afternoon/night. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I expected. We slaughtered them (of course). OSU boys are pretty cute. I really wanted to take one home with me, but it just didn’t work out. Lame. We went to Menlo Blue after the game to hang out with some Ticket Office people, but ended up going to this bonfire hosted by USG members. Jens is hilarious. He knows all the words to every 90s pop song. Incredible. Is that talent? I’m voting for yes. The Boston boy was entertaining as well. I love accents.

Sunday was relaxing for the most part. Lindsay needed us for her photo project, so we had a shoot in Uzair’s front yard. I had to pretend to cry while everyone had fun in the background. Oh so emo. The embarrassing part was that as we were walking down Menlo with hula hoops and brightly colored clothing, I tots saw two people I wish I hadn’t. Ugh. So embarassing. Whatever. People can go be boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever and be lame. Fuck them. I don’t want their life! (So Varsity Blues in my head…) We ended the evening with Fat Fish. Heart.

Funny story: Rory called me Saturday to tell me Cami had been cheating on him the whole time. Karma.

Sad story: I can’t get over it and now I’m almost back to the start. I need to keep moving forward!

I want to have a super intense crush on someone. I’ll work on that this weekend maybe.

my only art.

there are days when i feel invisible. this is one of them.

why are things getting harder?

i can’t think about anything important. all i think about is how i don’t know what the hell is going on. i fucked everything up and things will never be ok again.

stress stress stress and sadness.

Stay tonight and make everything alright.

Lindsay’s birthday week is finally over. I spent way too much money on her. I tots wish my birthday celebrations were that intense.

Friday was the party. I think it was fun, but probs because I tried to invite my friends. Jimena burnt the carpet when a coal from the hookah was blown off the tray by the fan…oops! Now Jamie and Diana are going to hate us hookah-ing even more!

Boys are still stupid. I gave my favorite hoodie to one (no idea why…) and then was super pissed and annoyed the next day. I need to stop wasting my time with boring, unsatisfactory boys. The only appeal of this one was his grad student/TA status. Oh, and that the OTHER boy didn’t show up. Over it. Saw hoodie boy today though and asked him to return it. haha.

Saturday Lindsay, Jessica, and I went to Brent and Derek’s party at Tuscany. I ususally HATE going to Tuscany because of that terrible night two years ago, but we ended up having a really good time. Well, at least Lindsay and I did. Jess was being emo and awkward. Lindsay and I got into a huge fight later that night, but I can’t really remember why or what it was even about. I don’t want to say that because people will think I’m lying or incredibly overdramatic. Both options are embarrassing and suck really bad. Did some stupid stuff. Thought I lost my phone. Turns out it was in Jessica’s car. Go figure. At least I still have a phone.

Getting ready to look for jobs is getting so incredibly stressful. I went to the Bain company presentation tonight and it was fucking intense. I hate Marshall kids. They get so annoyingly into shit like this. I don’t have a chance at getting a real job. I’m going to the CPPC tomorrow to talk to a career counselor. Hopefully they make me feel better about landing a job slash my own ‘unique’ skills and talents. Hopefully.

Yesterday Matchbook Romance randomly played on my iTunes, so I spent a good hour listening to Stories and Alibis. So high school. I associate so many people with those songs…Tiger Lily reminds me of Jordan Mondau and how she loved hearing me sing it…Greatest Fall and Save Yourself screams Rory drama…Hollywood and Vine recalls the time Sam and I skipped first class and bought Warped 2005, which is one of two CDs that changed my life. That’s kind of sad, but it’s true and I love it to this day.

Def called him when I was drunk and upset as fuck Saturday. All he said was, ‘Is this Emily? Bye.’ I still find it highly irritating that he can be that mad at me when what I did was nothing, NOTHING compared to the shit I went through. Then again, I kept going back. I wanted to forgive him. He wants nothing to do with me and that will hopefully encourage me to fucking move on.

I still have a cold. It sucks. I don’t feel like I’m sleeping enough lately. Plus the fucking douchebags that live across the alley are loud as fuck. I want to throw something at them.

Stop these looks and letters.

It’s been a while.

School is not so bad right now. 8 hours of class isn’t nearly as intimidating as I thought. I actually like some of the people in my classes too. That does not happen very often.

Labor Day Weekend was intense. Too much drinking. I thought I was done with the drinking every night deal. I can’t resist peer pressure and I can’t be sober at parties while also being social. Bad combo.

Thursday we attempted tried to go to this party on Ellendale, but we got distracted and ended up only being there for about ten minutes before DPS showed up and closed the party down. We after partied at Alec and Praveen’s place. It’s pretty sweet because they let you draw on the walls with chalk. That won’t be fun for them to clean up when they move out.

The house party Friday on 36th was fun. There were a lot of people there…a lot of people I don’t like. Got too drunk off of Jungle Drank and Purple Drank. Looking back on it, it’s really disgusting that I drank that shit, seeing as the distribution method was dipping cups in a cooler. Very sanitary.

Saturday Jessica had an impromptu get together at her apartment. Raba was there and did the usual ‘I was so drunk last night, I blacked out, did I say anything embarrassing?’ He did; I told him he didn’t because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by letting him know that I won’t be going out with him. Brent and Derek where there for a bit. It was nice catching up with them because I haven’t seen them for a while.

Sunday was the White Party. Not many people actually wore white, so it was a good thing I was drunk and couldn’t feel awkward. I should have felt awkward for other things I did. Def woke up the next morning all dishevelled and with ‘Official armrest’ written on my shoulder.

As much as I love going on and seeing my friends, I wish they all weren’t friends with each other or just show up at the same parties in general. It’s not a good situation for me because then people know all about me. By that I mean they know all about which boy I’m into at the time. I need to stop my bad habits.

Last night Lindsay turned 21, so we went to the Golden Gopher to celebrate. The bouncer was convinced that Jamie’s ID was fake. It was hilarious slash incredibly annoying because it took to so long for him to determine it’s validity. The bar was pretty dead, but come one, it’s a Tuesday night. Some Mexican guys there were just fantastic…they kept buying us drinks. I still spent $20 on drinks, but it was for birthday reasons so I don’t care. OH, and they bought us roses! I never get flowers! Heart.

I was still drunk when I woke up this morning. Not good. I managed to get it together enough to make Lindsay’s cake, shower, and catch the tram to school for work though. Success!

The Ticket Office is in shambles. I need to get a new job, I just don’t know what I can get without a car. Plus I get paid a lot more here than I would at other places. I need the money, but money really isn’t everything. I need to rethink some things.

Why do I like boys who are addicts? It’s disturbing.

I want to fall in love.