River.

A little less confused, but 3 times more angry.

Please let me have a nice, fun, DRAMA FREE weekend.

confused.

The drama around here is suffocating me. I don’t understand how I can get so wrapped up in it when my resolution for the year was to avoid it. It’s like I’m destined to always be living amidst fucked up relationships, uncaring and selfish people, stupid decisions, reminders of what being happy is like, etc.

I’m trying to be positive. I don’t want this to get worse, but have no clue how to make it better. Right now I’m in the ‘Try not to drink’ and ‘Say as little as possible’ stages. It’s keeping me out of other peoples’ messes, but what will happen in the long-run? Is this worth it? I just don’t know what to do. I’m not even sure what the fuck is going on most of the time.

This is serious.

Everyone is still the same.

Where does that leave me?

Bring us down.

So much snow…it’s unreal. It NEVER snows this much in Western Washington. I would love it a lot more if I was younger and school was cancelled, but since I’m already out, the novelty of snow quickly ran out. The snow is keeping me from driving, which keeps me from meeting up with my friends from high school I rarely see. Lame. It does provide a great excuse for avoiding people I don’t want to see. Score.

Making cookies again right now. And drinking hot cocoa. Way too much hot cocoa. It’s so cold, though. I need SOMETHING warm.

The other night my brothers announced that he wants to be married and have kids by 24. He just turned 18. I’m almost 22. That’s two years from now for me, and there is no way in hell that is in my 6-year plan.

All of my friends have boyfriends/girlfriends. So do my brother’s. I’m sick of hearing, “So Emily, who is your boyfriend these days?” Uh, no one. When was the last time I had one? Never. Change subject please.

Yesterday was Eric’s birthday. He got a shitload of stuff despite my father going on and on lately about being in a recession and there hardly being work blah blah blah. I don’t remember getting anything great on my last birthday.

Which reminds me…this January I will either be celebrating my 21+1 Birthday or the 1st Anniversary of my 21st Birthday. I’m not ready to turn 22 yet. What a lame age. Nothing cool happens when you turn 21.

My car is so shitty. I need to save money so I can buy a new one. This ancient car isn’t doing anything for me anymorme. I can’t even read the gas guage. The auto-climate hardly works. I broke off the antennae. I feel like it’s going to break down on the ride down. I realize I shouldn’t complain because it still drives well, I’ve just become so shallow and materialistic, I don’t want to be seen driving around SC in a beater Lexus. I’d rather drive an old civic or something so I don’t look like I’m trying to fit in (which I’m not). I just want a new car. I’ve never been able to drive a car consistently that was less than 9 years old. Now my fucking car is closer to 20 than 9. Ugh. Fuck this recession. I need a job to buy a pretty car.

By the way, I feel nothing.

Lots of disappointment lately, but how upset can I be? Karma. I flake, you flake.I guess I’m just bummed because I never seem to catch a break.

I’ve been trying to be a lot better. Not in a fake way, just not saying everything I think. I’m pretty good at it, but I have been practicing for awhile.

Two finals this week, one next week, then on my way home. I still haven’t figured out how long I want to be home for. It pretty much depends on how I feel. Right now it’s like I don’t belong anywhere. I think that’s why I have the sudden desire to just leave and go somewhere new all by myself. I wish I could just runaway. Maybe next semester I’ll just escape a lot. It’s not like there’s anthing to keep my here all weekend. Or week.

I was so excited to go to Disneyland. It’s sad and just pathetic that I’m bummed, but I can’t help it.

Team Jimemily

San Francisco was fun. It just sucks that I was so busy this week I couldn’t update…I’ve probs already forgotten all the fun things!

We planned on leaving Thursday night at 6..that was pushed back to 7, then 8, and we finally started driving around 830. Jime and I drove with some of Hugh’s friends. They were younger than us and really liked the Beatles. How unique. They were nice enough though. It took us forever to get there because we had to stop at UCLA to pick up more people, eat at In-N-Out, and then drop the UCLA people off in Los Gatos. It was like 3 by the time we pulled up to Hugh’s.

Hugh’s house was so cute. I loved how all the walls were colorful. My parents don’t like color, so all the walls are white or as close to white as a color can possibly be. Everything was super asian – the couch, the art, the gate to nowhere. The architecture of the house was interesting and it had an amazing view of the bay. Staying at his house basically made me wish that I was actually good at something so I could get a good job and then a nice house in a nice city and drive a nice car. Too bad I’m so unmotivated.

Friday we woke up fairly early to go eat at this cute place in Menlo Park called Cafe Borrone. Jime and I tried to take the opportunity to take pictures for our continually delayed food blog, but we still kind of suck at it. On top of the poor pictures, I’ve pretty much forgotten what we got. Next time I need to bring like notebook or something. After lunch we pretended that we were Stanford students and explored the campus. It was so fucking hot…I don’t understand California right now…After Stanford we hung out at Hugh’s and napped until he came back from picking people up from the airport. Kevin and Dan arrived while he was gone and told us all about their adventures exploring SF on two hours of sleep. We TOLD them leaving at 4AM to get more sleep at night was a bad idea, but did they listen? Of course not. Hugh came back and made an amazing dinner. I thought I hated lamb and asparagus, but I ended up liking both! Now I want to experiment with more cooking. I just need more fucking time.

Saturday we explored SF. We went to Fisherman’s Wharf to walk around, see the sea lions, and apparently get scared by a homeless man hiding behind ‘bushes.’ Fuck that guy. Dan and I were so scared. I was super jumpy after that experience, so while I was recording a sea lion fight, I almost dropped my camera in the damn water when a seagull flew towards me. I screamed so loud. It was super embarrassing. I have it all on video, too. Haha. Yay youtube. Later we went to this club called the Cellar. It was ok. I def don’t need to go back there if I make it back to SF, but the 80’s room was fun enough. After the club closed I passed by a group of Irish boys and tried to go home with them, but Kevin physically moved me from them. Probs a wise choice. I was really bummed though…I have a problem with Irish boys. We then all walked to Union Square to meet up with the exchange students. Jime and I decided we weren’t tired yet, so we agreed to stay in SF and let everyone else go home. Great idea. We went to Ruby Skye for 10 minutes until we realized that the only people left were haggard old women nasty guys. Luckily the other people had waited for us, so we still had a ride home. I don’t know. The night was fucking crazy. Cougers. Taxis. Mean landlords. Gross guys. Ghetto guys. Scary homeless zombies. I don’t think I like SF that much.

We left the next day with Kevin and Dan, who were intent on driving straight from SF to LA. I had to pee so bad when we got out of the car. The best part of Sunday was coming back to a clean apartment…and a passive aggressive note telling us to clean up. Umm, no. Jime and I c,lean our shit. We hold our end of the rent bargain, they need to as well. We put all their stuff in their room that is supposed to be stored and have refused to take out the garbage. Also, Jime’s not talking to her either. It’s so strange, but I prefer it. Next semester is going to be strange though.

It was so hard to go back to school after the weekend. It was so much fun and we really needed to get out of the city. Add to that all the projects that are due in two weeks, and that makes for a very unhappy Emily. Ugh and I still need to find a subletter for Jime’s half of the room.

Thursday I went to see Twilight with Amanda and her roommates. I was pretty drunk so I don’t remember all of it, but just that it wasn’t very good. RPatz was hot though. That’s all that matters.

Last night we went out to Boulevard 3 with the exchange students. Jime organized the event and we went in a stretch escalade! It was only my 2nd time in a limo. At first I was in a morose mood, but as I drank more alcohol, I felt exponentially better. We ended up having a really good time. Ugh once again Kevin had to physically move me from a potentially sketch situation. I need to do something really nice for him soon.

I am really _______ about people and their guys. Why don’t I have one? Do I even want one? Why do I get so fucking pissed about it? Why does it bother me so much? Why am I such a jealous bitch? I am disgusting.

lost:

job.

iPod.

cell phones.

jacket.

sleep.

friends.

sanity.

motivation.

control.

I will throw the fight.

I woke up so late today. 1:35. I don’t even remember the last time that happened. Now the day is practically over and I have hardly anything to show for it. Lame.

This weekend was so short. Friday we didn’t do anything. Jime and I just drank, hookahed, and talked. It was relaxing, but also pretty, well, boring. I also watched like 5 hours of Angel straight. That’s pathetic. I was in a strange mood though. I found out something that really hit me hard and since I’m not at liberty to tell pretty much anyone, I just wanted to stop thinking about it. I was also pissed because I wanted to tell him since he said he would always be there for me, and he wasn’t. He blatantly ignored me. He doesn’t even understand why it’s upsetting. Whatever.

Saturday was game day and I had to work again. Daylight savings time fucks me over because it gets so dark and there’s no way I can walk home from the Coliseum all by myself at 630. Thankfully Alex happened to call me around the time I was getting off, so he came and picked me up. We watched the end of the game and smoked hookah as we tried to figure out what to do for the rest of the night. Diana and Jime went home and I never hang out with Jamie, so I was hoping he wouldn’t ditch me for his new friends. We decided to go get sushi, but Fat Fish had a half hour wait, which is unheard of, and ended up at Kuru Kuru. It sucked and I don’t want to go there again. After dinner we stopped by Ryan’s frat since we both haven’t seen him in weeks, drank, then decided to go to Mitch’s house. I guess all of their old Vegas buddies were visiting, so we drank some more and hung out. When we parked the car, a sketch black dude harassed us. I was so fucking scared because I thought he was going to rob us. He kept saying like I’m on OG, look at my tattoos, don’t worry, I’m a protector, and then all the sudden was like give me 10 bucks. We didn’t and after a lot of arguing, he let us go. I hate 36th place. We told the guys about what happened and apparently it’s a common occurance. After a bit, half of the people went to a party down the street, but I didn’t want to walk outside, so I stayed back. Besides, even though I knew Lindsay and Jamie were there, they never answered my calls or texts. Sweet. Alex THEN ditched us to hang out with his new friends and I was stranded without a ride. Sweeter. Luckily one of the Vegas guys had a car and drove me back to my apartment where we smoked more hookah and then they left. Later I heard a dude’s voice and went to see who was there, and it was Trajan. Random. I ended up talking/arguing with him and Jamie until like 4 in the morning.

I had a strange dream last night. I was at like a new school and this girl really didn’t like me. She ended up trying to kidnap and kill me and it was so scary. Eventually I was saved by this guy and went back to his house to hang out. We ended up getting to be friends and hung out a lot. He came over to my apartment at some later point in time and I really started to fall for him, even though he wasn’t cute. He was just so nice and I liked feeling protected. Jamie and Lindsay came with new Christmas lights and we were hanging them up when all the sudden we fucked up and a black hole opened up above the balcony. A whole bunch of people were helping us decorate, including the scary kidnapper, and we were struggling to not get sucked in. The bitch did, and I was like haha, and then all the sudden I could feel it pulling at me. For some reason, I was released, but the boy was lifted up and sucked into nothingness and the hole closed. I was just devastated. All of the sudden, we turned around, and he was back again, but instead of being a not so cute boy, he was Edward Cullen. It was fucking fantastic. Now I’m bummed because the stupid dream wasn’t real. Sigh.

I feel like shit. I drank too much. I’m tired because I slept for so long. I don’t want to do anything school related, but I have so many projects. I’m bummed because I have no boy. I’m disappointed that I’m not fluent in Japanese because I want to be a geisha. Today sucks.

At least Desperate and Dexter are on.

“I’m from Austin, Texas.”

I’m so glad most of my presentations are done. Now all I have to do is every other fucking group project. ugh. At least I have 3 more weeks to procrastinate.

Thursday’s Dell presentation was just awful. I told my group members that I was the last person that should be trusted with speaking about the most important subject matter, but somehow I got stuck with it and totally fucked up. I am just an aboslute train wreck when it comes to public speaking. Oh well. I hate school anyway.

Halloween was a lot of fun this year. We went to Hollywood for the first time and it was crazy. The traffic was so bad it took us over 2 hours to get to the ‘haunted’ Geisha House. I think it was worth it though. I’m glad we were there for the exchange students’ first Halloween experience. Alex as a frenchman was hilarious. “Everything is in the baguette!” What is even funnier is his accent as he tried to pretend to be American. Or his accent when he tried to say ‘disturbia.’ I randomly saw my coworkers at a pizza place across the street. They were so pretty, but not trashy. Jime was still the best sailor of the night. I looked disgusting (and cute) as a cavewoman with dreads laced with twigs and leaves. I almost didn’t go out because I was upset earlier, but I’m so glad I paid in advance haha.

Last night I went with Jime to her cousin’s birthday. We were feeling anti-social, so we played with puppy, who is HUGE now, and watched A Walk to Remember which always makes me cry. Her family must have thought there was something wrong with me because I was fucking bawling. I suck at life.

Jime and I decided we need to take more inconspicous videos of our lives because they’re hilarious. I also want to make like a video/picture movie set to music for all of my friends when we graduate…I can’t forget to do this!

Oh, and I’ve started listening to Christmas songs again. love it.

slow it down.

The bus ride home was extremely crowded today. The driver had to keep pulling up to stops, hoping people would exit, then have to tell everyone outside they would have to wait for the next bus. When I finally made it to my stop (which I almost missed because no one would let me off…) I heard all this yelling. I looked towards the intersection and there was a crazy woman standing in front of the bus, not letting it pass. She was upset because she thought the bus was going to leave without her (she was probably right) and it was already incredibly late (fuck LA traffic). She literally stood with one hand on her hip and the other out in front of her, palm faced towards the bus in the universal stop sign. Even though the driver promised to let her on, she still wasn’t convinced and made him follow her across the street when the light turned green again. WTF Los Angeles?

School is driving me crazy. Too many presentations, too little time, and of course, no one even cares anymore. We’re seniors. Come on.

I bought the second book in the Twilight saga, but still haven’t read it. I wrapped it up in the bag so I can’t see it and be tempted to read it before the week is over.

Wednesday we went out to the Standard again. I hardly drank but still managed to get sick and throw up. I was hungover the next day and skipped class. Again. I need to stop going out on weeknights, but where’s the fun in that?

Friday was the first Halloween party. The boys downstairs had a party, so we all dressed up and went for a bit. I was a policewoman, Jime a sailor, Lindsay was Carmen San Diego, and Claire was Sarah Palin. A very diverse collection of costumes, right? We left that party because it was too crowded and went off in search of another party. We heard TKE’s Halloween party was that night, so Jime and I walked all the way to the row, only to find out they were at capacity. Ugh. ZBT was still open, so we joined the pajama party in Halloween apparel. The party was pretty lame. Saw some people I knew. Found a shoe. Put it on. Threw it away. Met some g’s. Made fun of sorority girls getting dry humped on the wall. Took a lot of pictures. Drank a lot and wasn’t hungover. Crazy.

Saturday was an adventure. I finally went to the vegan place, Pure Luck, off Vermont and Melrose. Amazing. The grilled tofu and pesto sandwich was one of the best things I’ve eaten all semester. We also went to Target to find a movie to watch slash buy useless stuff. Some random asian walked by me, then scared me half to death by abruptly asking, “Are you part asian?” “Yes.” “What kind?” “Half Japanese.” “You’re fucking adorable!” Ugh. I was not fucking adorable that day. I was broke down and wearing glasses. Creeper.

Jime and I stayed in that night and watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I adore it. I can’t believe I’ve never seen it before. It makes me want to go to New York. Or anywhere. Or have a day where I do things I’ve never done before. Or change my name and adopt another persona. Maybe I can do that after I graduate. hmm…

Random dream from a few nights ago: I was turned into a vampire and the other vampires convinced me to get a tattoo. When I looked in the mirror to see what they drew, I saw a sheep with a best buy tag on my fucking neck. I was so fucking upset when I woke up because I thought it really happened. Thank god it was just a dream. I think it’s a sign NOT to get a tattoo.

oh. and he called the other night to tell me not to go out with anyone because it will make him mad. he wants me to wait for him in case things don’t work out with her. ya.