Today was so…rollercoaster-y. Just a fucking up and down ride that just won’t stop. I feel sick and worn out.
It’s nice to be with my family, but I they disappoint me so often. I have a problem with getting hopes up then watching them get crushed into nothing.
I’m also irritated with people who only ask for things.
One positive for the day: I no longer care about how much they spent on my education. I would rather focus on being happy. Fuck it.
Yesterday I randomly decided to buy Twilight. I read the first few chapters during lunch at work and couldn’t put it down. I finshed it earlier today. I am in love.
Not just with the book. I’m in love with love. Does that make sense? When Edward tells Bella he’s the most important thing in his life, I cried a little. I want someone to feel that for me. I want to feel that for someone.
I don’t even know where to begin. Where do you find such a person? Add on to that my incredible intimacy problem, and I have no idea if it will ever happen for me.
One thing is for sure: he is not the person. He can never love me like that and I KNOW this. I must remember this all the time.
I keep saying I’m in love with Edward, that I love a fictional character, a vampire, the actor that plays him, but that’s not it at all. I just can’t say what I really think because I just feel so ashamed about it for some reason. I’m afraid to let it out because it’s already so far from reach and I always jinx things. I feel so alone. I just want to be alone right now. I can’t be alone right now and it’s driving me crazy. It’s also probably the worst thing for me right now. I’m not making any sense.
Tomorrow I want to start new. I’ve been feeling really terrible. Today was not a good day. My whole body is in another state. I can’t explain just how disgusting I feel. I have to clean up. I will succeed. I have to succeed. I want to love and be loved.
I started my new job last week. It’s pretty low key and, for the most part, I enjoy being there. I would really like to get to know my coworkers better, but it’s hard because we’re in a completely different room. The two girls are hilarious. Very LA. I just want to laugh when I listen to them talk, but I know that would be bad. I’ve just been trying to keep my comments as necessary as possible because I don’t want to be annoying…I’d rather be the quiet shy one. Why do I have so many personalities? It’s fun? I don’t even know.
Thursday night Jime and I went downtown with Minnie for Ayla’s birthday party. I was excited because I thought we were going to the Standard, but for some reason we ended up at 7th and Grand. Ugh. Oh well. We still had fun so that’s all that really matters. Some of the pictures from the night were pretty hilarious.
Friday I promised to help Amanda with her zombie film, so I threw on my slutty nurse costume and campus-ed it over the sketch 36th place. Her friends are hilarious. I’m glad we were all drinking…it’s the only explanation I have for being so flirty. Oops. Those pictures are intense. I can’t even believe we were being filmed. Great. It was terribly fun, though. One of her friends was just adorable. I need to stop thinking about boys.
Saturday was the Oregon game, which I had to work again. Highlight of the afternoon was the Taco Van Fire. Intense. A really nice man gave me his tickets, so I put them on will call for Cassie AND THEN SHE NEVER SHOWED UP. I need to stop trying to do nice things for people…especially Ducks. After the game Jime and I decided not to go out, but rather stay in, make a pie, and watch a movie. The pie was pretty good…mmm. Mike came over and joined us as we watched the Science of Sleep, which was amazing. So funny. I love Gael Garcia Bernal.
Again, I woke up on Sunday NOT hungover. I really like it. I did some work and then Jime drove me to work. I finished early so we went with Luciana and Badr to Korean BBQ. I never want to eat meat again. Badr is so funny. He def has a crush on Jime…poor boy, she’s going to break his little Moroccan heart.
I’m definitely against boys with beards. They look so much better without them! Maybe that’s what people think about me…but not with beards of course. Like, she would be so much cuter if she wasn’t so round! I need to stop eating pie and starting getting some kind of exercise. I just can’t find anything that interests me. Maybe I should have gone to Zumba with the SF crew. Maybe I should just have dance parties in my room.
I’m so set on getting a nice car. My heart is going to shatter into a million pieces if I can’t have a TSX!
The boy I marry must fit this requirement: be able to sing Best of Me and Do Your Feet Hurt?. Perfect.
She didn’t even need to read the letter. Things are so much better. Thank god for puppies – they really bring people together.
Jime found a puppy in Culver City. A little black lab. So cute. We took care of him for like 36 hours. He was definitely well loved. She took him last night to her aunt’s because she decided to keep him. I was getting allergic and that was not fun. Plus I think we were all starting to get tired of piss. It’s sad without him, but I guess now I won’t be dying.
Friday night was the Momentum Champagne party. It ended up being in someone’s backyard on Ellendale, which was not nearly as amazing as it would have been in the Prov garage, but that bitch messed everything up. I want to smear puppy poo all over her damn car. I thought I wasn’t going to drink because I was still feeling like shit from Thursday night’s USG party, but I suck at peer pressure, feel awkward being sober at parties, and I had to pay $5 to get in and figured I may as well imbibe some free alcohol, even if it was Prestige. We meant an interesting boy. He was dancing like a bunny/pterodactyl so we HAD to take pictures and make fun of him. Later he asked me if I had a cigarette (I didn’t) and we ended up talking. Apparently he was in a ‘punk band’ and we started bonding over other ‘punk bands.’ He decided we were soul mates – I don’t believe a word that comes out of a male’s mouth. He was interesting though. I hope we can be friends. (I think I secretly like him. I can’t tell. I want someone to like. Ugh.) The party was broken up very early, so we went to Hugh’s for a pre-after-party. Drank some more, talked to international kids, absinthe, pictures, and then a walk down Menlo to the true after-party. I was not feeling it, so I made Raba walk me home and then passed out.
Saturday Alex called and asked if I would accompany him to get glasses and I went because I had nothing better to do. We went off in search of Paul Frank glasses in Koreatown. Apparently it was, like, I don’t even know…there was a parade on Olympic. Not a lot of people. It was probs one of the most pathetic parades I’ve ever seen. Anyway, the glasses store smelled like kimchee and I thought I was going to throw up. I didn’t, but probs only because there wasn’t anything for me to throw up. We bought the glasses (it took FOREVER) and then drove and walked around forever (again) to eat at Wako. It was ok. Korean’s should stick to their own food. U-dong? No, udon.
We came back to Prov to nap and get ready for the night, but then I felt like shit and Alex was bored so he went home and I watched Ace of Cakes for like four hours. Exciting night.
It’s so strange to wake up Sunday morning and not be hungover. I should try it more often.
What a strange weekend. Very atypical.
I wrote her a letter. Now all I have to do is leave it for her to read and wait to see what happens.
This has got to be ten times more dramatic than the Hills. Where’s my TV show?
As much as I love the excessive celebration, I need to tone it down a bit. Last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping because my heart was pounding so hard and it was freaking me out a bit. I should also mention that I basically spent the entire day hung over, despite not really drinking THAT much the night before. Maybe my liver is starting to fail me. Ok, that’s just being paranoid. Or overdramatic.
Thursday night I went over to Jessica’s to watch the premier of It’s Always Sunny. I was a little disappointed by the first two episodes, but as Freddy pointed out, they always get better throughout the season. After the ep I think we just went back to Prov and smoked hookah for the rest of the night. My mind is fuzzy. Alcohol was involved.
I had an interview downtown in the morning, so I took the bus. Interesting experience. I hate crowded buses. Jimena (eventually) met up with me and we walked all over downtown looking for the Farmer’s Market. We finally got there and it wasn’t so banging. I bought zucchini and nashi; Jime bought nothing. It was hot and I was still wearing all my business-y clothes, so I def wanted to get the fuck home.
Friday was Raba and Patino’s parties. We hit up Raba first. He always makes the best drinks. I made friends with his roommate and we bonded over strange things like Chron’s and military kids. I don’t have the disease and my father is not in the army, so I don’t know why we talked about those two things for so long. We left Raba’s fairly quickly and walked over to Magnolia. Waaaaay too many people there. I was also not as drunk as I should have been to be able to handle the situation. One kid def was though. I kept asking him questions because I knew he was so drunk he couldn’t speak, then he got up and vomited all over one of Lindsay’s coworkers. Gross but hilarious. people need to learn how to control their alcohol intake in public (though I’m the LAST person who should be saying that).
Saturday night was Brent’s Birthday Beerlympics and Ryan’s bithday. Jessica and I made a delicious Chicken Marsala dinner, but I tots forgot to take pictures of it. Lame. Freddy came over with homemade sangria, so we were pretty drunk before we realize we needed to Campus it over to Tuscany. By then the wait was over an hour, so we said FUCK IT we’re walking. Interesting decision. We made it though. Go us. The girls and I were dressed as Team Delta Force, but it didn’t really matter because we never competed. Hugh came and picked all 6 of us up in his teeny car (very unsafe) and took us to Ryan’s party. Drank some more, made some friends, took more pictures…typical Saturday night. We decided to go to another house party after Ryan’s which is stupid since we live right down the street from him, but luckily a friend drove us home when we realized our mistake.
Sunday sucked. Went to Encino for a group project. Tried to not feel like shit. Failed. Tried to do homework. Failed. Nothing on TV. Just an absolute failure of a day.
Today I came so close to quitting the Ticket Office. I am so done with it. There’s hardly anything for me to do there anymore and I hate that shirt more than life. Yes, I’m being overdramatic. I don’t care. At least TM called me back and want me to help them out. Hopefully that works out. I need to make new friends.
Went to lunch with Jess again. Brian saw me and ended up eating with us for a while. Surprisingly he had no bling in his ears…intersesting. I saw someone from high school and awkwardly kept looking at him to see if he recognized me, but decided it was best to let it go.
I want to have a crush on someone.
Pictures from the weekend:
We used to be this close. Why is this happening? I’m not even real anymore.
I try and everything is the same. Is it me?
Today has actually been a good day.
I picked up my camera from Conquest. I’m absolutely elated. Now I can take as many pictures of whatever I want as often as I see fit. No more camera borrowing. No more undocumented nights. Just perfect.
Friday I have an interview at a marketing company downtown. It’s only for part-time data entry, but it will get me off campus and slightly more towards the real world. I guess a lot of people who work there are from Seattle. Heart.
K. Now for my weekend update:
Thursday night I went with Jimena and Kevin to an exchange student party. Jime’s Hungarian friend brought us some strange alcohol made form plums…pailinka? I haven’t got a clue as to how it’s spelled. It was pretty good, but pretty strong. Let’s just say I had a fantastic time without having to drink more than two shots and a screwdriver. The international kids we met were really nice. I’m actually looking forward to attending more of their functions.
Friday night I hung out with Jessica and Alex at her apartment while everyone figured out what to do for the night. At first everyone was going out to this party on Ellendale, but after one of Jamie and Lindsay’s coworkers said it was lame, Jamie and Caitlin bailed. We decided that we would gon anyway since there was nothing better to do. It was a decent party once we found the alcohol and a few familiar faces. Of course, it’s ALWAYS the same people. We need to find a new circle of friends…Since the goal of the night was to order TG Express, we peaced out from the party and went back to Jessica’s to consume some pad thai. APparently Lindsay and I were pretty drunk because we passed the fuck out in the living room. I woke up to Raba trying to cuddle with me, decided this was NOT my idea of a good time, grabbed my chow mein and had him walk me home at 4 in the morning. No walk of shame for me (even if nothing even happened…)
I worked the Ohio State game Saturday afternoon/night. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I expected. We slaughtered them (of course). OSU boys are pretty cute. I really wanted to take one home with me, but it just didn’t work out. Lame. We went to Menlo Blue after the game to hang out with some Ticket Office people, but ended up going to this bonfire hosted by USG members. Jens is hilarious. He knows all the words to every 90s pop song. Incredible. Is that talent? I’m voting for yes. The Boston boy was entertaining as well. I love accents.
Sunday was relaxing for the most part. Lindsay needed us for her photo project, so we had a shoot in Uzair’s front yard. I had to pretend to cry while everyone had fun in the background. Oh so emo. The embarrassing part was that as we were walking down Menlo with hula hoops and brightly colored clothing, I tots saw two people I wish I hadn’t. Ugh. So embarassing. Whatever. People can go be boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever and be lame. Fuck them. I don’t want their life! (So Varsity Blues in my head…) We ended the evening with Fat Fish. Heart.
Funny story: Rory called me Saturday to tell me Cami had been cheating on him the whole time. Karma.
Sad story: I can’t get over it and now I’m almost back to the start. I need to keep moving forward!
I want to have a super intense crush on someone. I’ll work on that this weekend maybe.
there are days when i feel invisible. this is one of them.
why are things getting harder?
i can’t think about anything important. all i think about is how i don’t know what the hell is going on. i fucked everything up and things will never be ok again.
stress stress stress and sadness.
