Yesterday I randomly decided to buy Twilight. I read the first few chapters during lunch at work and couldn’t put it down. I finshed it earlier today. I am in love.
Not just with the book. I’m in love with love. Does that make sense? When Edward tells Bella he’s the most important thing in his life, I cried a little. I want someone to feel that for me. I want to feel that for someone.
I don’t even know where to begin. Where do you find such a person? Add on to that my incredible intimacy problem, and I have no idea if it will ever happen for me.
One thing is for sure: he is not the person. He can never love me like that and I KNOW this. I must remember this all the time.
I keep saying I’m in love with Edward, that I love a fictional character, a vampire, the actor that plays him, but that’s not it at all. I just can’t say what I really think because I just feel so ashamed about it for some reason. I’m afraid to let it out because it’s already so far from reach and I always jinx things. I feel so alone. I just want to be alone right now. I can’t be alone right now and it’s driving me crazy. It’s also probably the worst thing for me right now. I’m not making any sense.
Tomorrow I want to start new. I’ve been feeling really terrible. Today was not a good day. My whole body is in another state. I can’t explain just how disgusting I feel. I have to clean up. I will succeed. I have to succeed. I want to love and be loved.
