confused.

The drama around here is suffocating me. I don’t understand how I can get so wrapped up in it when my resolution for the year was to avoid it. It’s like I’m destined to always be living amidst fucked up relationships, uncaring and selfish people, stupid decisions, reminders of what being happy is like, etc.

I’m trying to be positive. I don’t want this to get worse, but have no clue how to make it better. Right now I’m in the ‘Try not to drink’ and ‘Say as little as possible’ stages. It’s keeping me out of other peoples’ messes, but what will happen in the long-run? Is this worth it? I just don’t know what to do. I’m not even sure what the fuck is going on most of the time.

Team Jimemily

San Francisco was fun. It just sucks that I was so busy this week I couldn’t update…I’ve probs already forgotten all the fun things!

We planned on leaving Thursday night at 6..that was pushed back to 7, then 8, and we finally started driving around 830. Jime and I drove with some of Hugh’s friends. They were younger than us and really liked the Beatles. How unique. They were nice enough though. It took us forever to get there because we had to stop at UCLA to pick up more people, eat at In-N-Out, and then drop the UCLA people off in Los Gatos. It was like 3 by the time we pulled up to Hugh’s.

Hugh’s house was so cute. I loved how all the walls were colorful. My parents don’t like color, so all the walls are white or as close to white as a color can possibly be. Everything was super asian – the couch, the art, the gate to nowhere. The architecture of the house was interesting and it had an amazing view of the bay. Staying at his house basically made me wish that I was actually good at something so I could get a good job and then a nice house in a nice city and drive a nice car. Too bad I’m so unmotivated.

Friday we woke up fairly early to go eat at this cute place in Menlo Park called Cafe Borrone. Jime and I tried to take the opportunity to take pictures for our continually delayed food blog, but we still kind of suck at it. On top of the poor pictures, I’ve pretty much forgotten what we got. Next time I need to bring like notebook or something. After lunch we pretended that we were Stanford students and explored the campus. It was so fucking hot…I don’t understand California right now…After Stanford we hung out at Hugh’s and napped until he came back from picking people up from the airport. Kevin and Dan arrived while he was gone and told us all about their adventures exploring SF on two hours of sleep. We TOLD them leaving at 4AM to get more sleep at night was a bad idea, but did they listen? Of course not. Hugh came back and made an amazing dinner. I thought I hated lamb and asparagus, but I ended up liking both! Now I want to experiment with more cooking. I just need more fucking time.

Saturday we explored SF. We went to Fisherman’s Wharf to walk around, see the sea lions, and apparently get scared by a homeless man hiding behind ‘bushes.’ Fuck that guy. Dan and I were so scared. I was super jumpy after that experience, so while I was recording a sea lion fight, I almost dropped my camera in the damn water when a seagull flew towards me. I screamed so loud. It was super embarrassing. I have it all on video, too. Haha. Yay youtube. Later we went to this club called the Cellar. It was ok. I def don’t need to go back there if I make it back to SF, but the 80’s room was fun enough. After the club closed I passed by a group of Irish boys and tried to go home with them, but Kevin physically moved me from them. Probs a wise choice. I was really bummed though…I have a problem with Irish boys. We then all walked to Union Square to meet up with the exchange students. Jime and I decided we weren’t tired yet, so we agreed to stay in SF and let everyone else go home. Great idea. We went to Ruby Skye for 10 minutes until we realized that the only people left were haggard old women nasty guys. Luckily the other people had waited for us, so we still had a ride home. I don’t know. The night was fucking crazy. Cougers. Taxis. Mean landlords. Gross guys. Ghetto guys. Scary homeless zombies. I don’t think I like SF that much.

We left the next day with Kevin and Dan, who were intent on driving straight from SF to LA. I had to pee so bad when we got out of the car. The best part of Sunday was coming back to a clean apartment…and a passive aggressive note telling us to clean up. Umm, no. Jime and I c,lean our shit. We hold our end of the rent bargain, they need to as well. We put all their stuff in their room that is supposed to be stored and have refused to take out the garbage. Also, Jime’s not talking to her either. It’s so strange, but I prefer it. Next semester is going to be strange though.

It was so hard to go back to school after the weekend. It was so much fun and we really needed to get out of the city. Add to that all the projects that are due in two weeks, and that makes for a very unhappy Emily. Ugh and I still need to find a subletter for Jime’s half of the room.

Thursday I went to see Twilight with Amanda and her roommates. I was pretty drunk so I don’t remember all of it, but just that it wasn’t very good. RPatz was hot though. That’s all that matters.

Last night we went out to Boulevard 3 with the exchange students. Jime organized the event and we went in a stretch escalade! It was only my 2nd time in a limo. At first I was in a morose mood, but as I drank more alcohol, I felt exponentially better. We ended up having a really good time. Ugh once again Kevin had to physically move me from a potentially sketch situation. I need to do something really nice for him soon.

I am really _______ about people and their guys. Why don’t I have one? Do I even want one? Why do I get so fucking pissed about it? Why does it bother me so much? Why am I such a jealous bitch? I am disgusting.

i want to be whole.

I wrote her a letter. Now all I have to do is leave it for her to read and wait to see what happens.

This has got to be ten times more dramatic than the Hills. Where’s my TV show?

Stay tonight and make everything alright.

Lindsay’s birthday week is finally over. I spent way too much money on her. I tots wish my birthday celebrations were that intense.

Friday was the party. I think it was fun, but probs because I tried to invite my friends. Jimena burnt the carpet when a coal from the hookah was blown off the tray by the fan…oops! Now Jamie and Diana are going to hate us hookah-ing even more!

Boys are still stupid. I gave my favorite hoodie to one (no idea why…) and then was super pissed and annoyed the next day. I need to stop wasting my time with boring, unsatisfactory boys. The only appeal of this one was his grad student/TA status. Oh, and that the OTHER boy didn’t show up. Over it. Saw hoodie boy today though and asked him to return it. haha.

Saturday Lindsay, Jessica, and I went to Brent and Derek’s party at Tuscany. I ususally HATE going to Tuscany because of that terrible night two years ago, but we ended up having a really good time. Well, at least Lindsay and I did. Jess was being emo and awkward. Lindsay and I got into a huge fight later that night, but I can’t really remember why or what it was even about. I don’t want to say that because people will think I’m lying or incredibly overdramatic. Both options are embarrassing and suck really bad. Did some stupid stuff. Thought I lost my phone. Turns out it was in Jessica’s car. Go figure. At least I still have a phone.

Getting ready to look for jobs is getting so incredibly stressful. I went to the Bain company presentation tonight and it was fucking intense. I hate Marshall kids. They get so annoyingly into shit like this. I don’t have a chance at getting a real job. I’m going to the CPPC tomorrow to talk to a career counselor. Hopefully they make me feel better about landing a job slash my own ‘unique’ skills and talents. Hopefully.

Yesterday Matchbook Romance randomly played on my iTunes, so I spent a good hour listening to Stories and Alibis. So high school. I associate so many people with those songs…Tiger Lily reminds me of Jordan Mondau and how she loved hearing me sing it…Greatest Fall and Save Yourself screams Rory drama…Hollywood and Vine recalls the time Sam and I skipped first class and bought Warped 2005, which is one of two CDs that changed my life. That’s kind of sad, but it’s true and I love it to this day.

Def called him when I was drunk and upset as fuck Saturday. All he said was, ‘Is this Emily? Bye.’ I still find it highly irritating that he can be that mad at me when what I did was nothing, NOTHING compared to the shit I went through. Then again, I kept going back. I wanted to forgive him. He wants nothing to do with me and that will hopefully encourage me to fucking move on.

I still have a cold. It sucks. I don’t feel like I’m sleeping enough lately. Plus the fucking douchebags that live across the alley are loud as fuck. I want to throw something at them.

Cry me a river.

I didn’t “set your house on fire.” You are overly dramatic and completely dilusional. Get over it.

I don’t know if I did the right thing. I’m having second thoughts, but what’s done is done. Fuck it. Fuck you.

Rescue me.

I make a lot of rash decisions.  I hope that what I just did wasn’t stupid and paranoid but rather sane, cautionary, and productive.  At the very least, I hope that it fucks shit up.

But knowing my luck, it will come to nothing.

I hate him and I hate her.

I’m tired all the time. Last night I sat laid on my bed to read and ended up falling asleep from 8-11. I only woke up because Jimena was going to bed, so I just went back to bed. I took a small nap today despite getting like 10 hours of sleep yesterday. I don’t know what is going on.

My Tuesday and Thursdays could potentially suck really intensly. 8 hours of class could just wear me out.

I don’t start work until Wednesday. I’m not looking forward to working in the call center where messing around will be more obvious. I’m also wondering what the fuck I’ll be doing because they apparently hired a person to do accounting work. Ugh. I need money! I can’t find any internships either.

I keep things will get better, but everything just seems to be going downhill.

Not having a car is boring. I spent my entire day in the apartment today doing homework, baking cupcakes, and playing mahjong. I need some friends.

You’re so guilty it’s disgusting.

Why do people lie so much? Why do people lie so much to ME? You don’t think I know what is going on? I figure that shit out. When haven’t I? It may not always be a timely discovery, but I find out. I suggest that you just don’t say anything at all. Don’t lie to my face. Omit details, please.

I feel terrible. I feel like shit. I am empty. I am full. I am scared. I am incredibly confused. I am angry. I can’t even stress that enough. I am frustrated as hell.

I don’t wish you luck. I hope she fucks you over. Again.

This has gone on way too long.

In other news, I am so fat right now. Not cool. Time to do something for once. That goes for everything.

Wait it out.

The last few days have been intersesting.

Thursday I stayed at the Seattle Waterfront Marriott. SF gave me my own room with a fucking king size bed. The hotel was so amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever stayed anywhere that nice and the best part was that I didn’t have to pay for it! I called him up and had him stay the night, but he was still super jet lagged and fell asleep early. Lame.

I called Phil Friday after work to inform him I wouldn’t be able to go to his barbeque in Alki because of Portugal and Kay Kay. He was totally stoked about the show though, so he, Ben, Nick and his girlfriend tagged along with Bret and I. The show was amazing. El Corazone is much more tolerable when you are able to go to the bar. It was way to hot though. It’s ben around 90 degrees her for the last few days and people from Western Washington just don’t do ‘extreme’ heat.

After the show I met up with the interns in Fremont. That was eh. It would have been more fun if I was able to get there earlier, but I came close to one because the show ended so late.

I bought a new laptop today. It’s a pink Sony Vaio. Everything I get lately is so girly. Whatever. As long as I like it, right? I’m kind of bummed I didn’t get a MacBook, but I really don’t need one, so the price was terrible unappealing. I can’t get the wireless to connect. I spent about 2 hours on the Sony support line trying to figure it out this afternoon. Lame.

Jenny was supposed to be here this weekend, but she isn’t answering my calls. Sound familiar?

I went to Chris and Ryan’s after dinner to hang out slash pick up my sweater. Things are awkward. I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama, BUT IT’S ALWAYS THERE. Fuck my life. After that I drove to the Swiss to meet up with Kate and Bobbie at the Swiss. Dos muchos. I’m not a fan of military guys, trashy girls, and having drinks spilled on me. Overall it was entertaining, but that’s about it. I was sober. That explains a lot.

Now I’m just playing with the new computer, fawning over how quickly it runs. LOVE IT. I’m hungry but there’s nothing tasty to eat in the house. I’m tired but I want to load my iTunes. I complain way to much.

Wow, this computer is fast. All 10,800 of my songs uploaded in like 15 min. Ridiculous. I hope I can keep it this way.

third time’s a charm

It seems like no matter how hard I try to live drama free, it always finds me. With a vengeance, too.

I flew down to LA this weekend to help move out and clean Prov 13 with the roommates. Jamie and Diana’s room is a lot nicer than ours. It’s upsetting and I’ll have to figure out a way to gently tell them that it’s not ok before I freak out in a few months and everyone hates me. Remember, I’m trying to live drama free.

Jessica got us tickets to see the Soundtrack of Your Summer Tour with the Maine, Metro Station, Good Charlotte, and Boys Like Girls. Since we both wanted to get drunk for it, we decided to take the Metro to the Wiltern and back. We should have known that night was going to get bad when we got on the wrong train right from the beginning.  At least we met an interesting dude while we waited. He jokingly told us that we couldn’t pass and since we were buzzed, we stopped for lack of better knowledge. I ended up asking him questions about how to get to the Wiltern and he correctly guessed that we were on our way to see Good Charlotte. He did not look like the kind of person who would know anything about terrible pop punk bands, but then he started talking about how he used to be in a band that played with the Distillers. I think his name was Paulo…I should look that up to see how legit the conversation was.

The show was really fun. It was honestly the most fun I’ve had at a show in a long time. The Maine were adorable. Just adorable. I’m in love and I hate myself for being such a little fangirl.  Metro Station was terrible, so I ran to the bar to get us Long Islands. Bad idea. Bad, bad, idea. Good Charlotte was so fun. It reminded me so much of what it was like to be at my first show. I’m glad that I went, despite the fact that it is kind of embarassing to admit that I spent Saturday night hanging out with 15 year old girls.

Jessica and I left after GC because Boys Like Girls have absolutely no talent. I called Jimena to tell her we were on our way home and put my phone back in my purse. As we walked out the venue, I reached back in my bag to grab my phone, but to my dismay, it wasn’t there. Jessica went back in to look for it, but both of us were pretty fucked up, so looking for it in the middle of a show wasn’t really going to do anything. At that point, I fell apart. I hardly remember the trip home because I was crying and really fucking drunk. It took us 2.5 hours to get home because we couldn’t figure out the Metro.

I woke up Sunday morning confused as to why I was still wearing my clothes, then reality hit me. I stumbled out to the living room, (I was still drunk…) and screamed at Jime, sleeping on the couch, ‘I lost my phoooooooooone!’

She already knew. Apparently a girl texted and called her that she found my phone. I was supposed to call in the morning to make arrangements to pick the phone up. I was so relieved.

But I called and she didn’t answer. Not once. I left a scathing message. I cried. I laughed. I tried to forget about it. I tried to think positively. I left LA without a phone. Again.

I spent most of my day worrying about my phone. Was she going to sell it? How stupid could she be? I had her number. I could call LAPD. Every bad sitauation that could happen ran through my head over and over and over. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. There were times I almost burst into tears at work.

But somehow everything seemed to work out. She called Eric today and I was finally able to speak with her. She’s not going to keep my phone; she’s going to mail it back to me. This Metro Station fan I vilified to everyone all day was really a hardworking, fun-loving girl who wanted to help me. She lost her phone and had it returned to her, so he wanted to return the favor. My faith in humanity is restored. Well, for the day at least.

Things are so much better right now. I still feel terribly depressed, but at least my phone will be back soon. How will the other unnecessary drama in my life be resolved?