I will throw the fight.

I woke up so late today. 1:35. I don’t even remember the last time that happened. Now the day is practically over and I have hardly anything to show for it. Lame.

This weekend was so short. Friday we didn’t do anything. Jime and I just drank, hookahed, and talked. It was relaxing, but also pretty, well, boring. I also watched like 5 hours of Angel straight. That’s pathetic. I was in a strange mood though. I found out something that really hit me hard and since I’m not at liberty to tell pretty much anyone, I just wanted to stop thinking about it. I was also pissed because I wanted to tell him since he said he would always be there for me, and he wasn’t. He blatantly ignored me. He doesn’t even understand why it’s upsetting. Whatever.

Saturday was game day and I had to work again. Daylight savings time fucks me over because it gets so dark and there’s no way I can walk home from the Coliseum all by myself at 630. Thankfully Alex happened to call me around the time I was getting off, so he came and picked me up. We watched the end of the game and smoked hookah as we tried to figure out what to do for the rest of the night. Diana and Jime went home and I never hang out with Jamie, so I was hoping he wouldn’t ditch me for his new friends. We decided to go get sushi, but Fat Fish had a half hour wait, which is unheard of, and ended up at Kuru Kuru. It sucked and I don’t want to go there again. After dinner we stopped by Ryan’s frat since we both haven’t seen him in weeks, drank, then decided to go to Mitch’s house. I guess all of their old Vegas buddies were visiting, so we drank some more and hung out. When we parked the car, a sketch black dude harassed us. I was so fucking scared because I thought he was going to rob us. He kept saying like I’m on OG, look at my tattoos, don’t worry, I’m a protector, and then all the sudden was like give me 10 bucks. We didn’t and after a lot of arguing, he let us go. I hate 36th place. We told the guys about what happened and apparently it’s a common occurance. After a bit, half of the people went to a party down the street, but I didn’t want to walk outside, so I stayed back. Besides, even though I knew Lindsay and Jamie were there, they never answered my calls or texts. Sweet. Alex THEN ditched us to hang out with his new friends and I was stranded without a ride. Sweeter. Luckily one of the Vegas guys had a car and drove me back to my apartment where we smoked more hookah and then they left. Later I heard a dude’s voice and went to see who was there, and it was Trajan. Random. I ended up talking/arguing with him and Jamie until like 4 in the morning.

I had a strange dream last night. I was at like a new school and this girl really didn’t like me. She ended up trying to kidnap and kill me and it was so scary. Eventually I was saved by this guy and went back to his house to hang out. We ended up getting to be friends and hung out a lot. He came over to my apartment at some later point in time and I really started to fall for him, even though he wasn’t cute. He was just so nice and I liked feeling protected. Jamie and Lindsay came with new Christmas lights and we were hanging them up when all the sudden we fucked up and a black hole opened up above the balcony. A whole bunch of people were helping us decorate, including the scary kidnapper, and we were struggling to not get sucked in. The bitch did, and I was like haha, and then all the sudden I could feel it pulling at me. For some reason, I was released, but the boy was lifted up and sucked into nothingness and the hole closed. I was just devastated. All of the sudden, we turned around, and he was back again, but instead of being a not so cute boy, he was Edward Cullen. It was fucking fantastic. Now I’m bummed because the stupid dream wasn’t real. Sigh.

I feel like shit. I drank too much. I’m tired because I slept for so long. I don’t want to do anything school related, but I have so many projects. I’m bummed because I have no boy. I’m disappointed that I’m not fluent in Japanese because I want to be a geisha. Today sucks.

At least Desperate and Dexter are on.

is it Christmas yet?

Yesterday I randomly decided to buy Twilight. I read the first few chapters during lunch at work and couldn’t put it down. I finshed it earlier today. I am in love.

Not just with the book. I’m in love with love. Does that make sense? When Edward tells Bella he’s the most important thing in his life, I cried a little. I want someone to feel that for me. I want to feel that for someone.

I don’t even know where to begin. Where do you find such a person? Add on to that my incredible intimacy problem, and I have no idea if it will ever happen for me.

One thing is for sure: he is not the person. He can never love me like that and I KNOW this. I must remember this all the time.

I keep saying I’m in love with Edward, that I love a fictional character, a vampire, the actor that plays him, but that’s not it at all. I just can’t say what I really think because I just feel so ashamed about it for some reason. I’m afraid to let it out because it’s already so far from reach and I always jinx things. I feel so alone. I just want to be alone right now. I can’t be alone right now and it’s driving me crazy. It’s also probably the worst thing for me right now. I’m not making any sense.

Tomorrow I want to start new. I’ve been feeling really terrible. Today was not a good day. My whole body is in another state. I can’t explain just how disgusting I feel. I have to clean up. I will succeed. I have to succeed. I want to love and be loved.

love lockdown.

Today has actually been a good day.

I picked up my camera from Conquest. I’m absolutely elated. Now I can take as many pictures of whatever I want as often as I see fit. No more camera borrowing. No more undocumented nights. Just perfect.

Friday I have an interview at a marketing company downtown. It’s only for part-time data entry, but it will get me off campus and slightly more towards the real world. I guess a lot of people who work there are from Seattle. Heart.

K. Now for my weekend update:

Thursday night I went with Jimena and Kevin to an exchange student party. Jime’s Hungarian friend brought us some strange alcohol made form plums…pailinka? I haven’t got a clue as to how it’s spelled. It was pretty good, but pretty strong. Let’s just say I had a fantastic time without having to drink more than two shots and a screwdriver. The international kids we met were really nice. I’m actually looking forward to attending more of their functions.

Friday night I hung out with Jessica and Alex at her apartment while everyone figured out what to do for the night. At first everyone was going out to this party on Ellendale, but after one of Jamie and Lindsay’s coworkers said it was lame, Jamie and Caitlin bailed. We decided that we would gon anyway since there was nothing better to do. It was a decent party once we found the alcohol and a few familiar faces. Of course, it’s ALWAYS the same people. We need to find a new circle of friends…Since the goal of the night was to order TG Express, we peaced out from the party and went back to Jessica’s to consume some pad thai. APparently Lindsay and I were pretty drunk because we passed the fuck out in the living room. I woke up to Raba trying to cuddle with me, decided this was NOT my idea of a good time, grabbed my chow mein and had him walk me home at 4 in the morning.  No walk of shame for me (even if nothing even happened…)

I worked the Ohio State game Saturday afternoon/night. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I expected. We slaughtered them (of course). OSU boys are pretty cute. I really wanted to take one home with me, but it just didn’t work out. Lame. We went to Menlo Blue after the game to hang out with some Ticket Office people, but ended up going to this bonfire hosted by USG members. Jens is hilarious. He knows all the words to every 90s pop song. Incredible. Is that talent? I’m voting for yes. The Boston boy was entertaining as well. I love accents.

Sunday was relaxing for the most part. Lindsay needed us for her photo project, so we had a shoot in Uzair’s front yard. I had to pretend to cry while everyone had fun in the background. Oh so emo. The embarrassing part was that as we were walking down Menlo with hula hoops and brightly colored clothing, I tots saw two people I wish I hadn’t. Ugh. So embarassing. Whatever. People can go be boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever and be lame. Fuck them. I don’t want their life! (So Varsity Blues in my head…) We ended the evening with Fat Fish. Heart.

Funny story: Rory called me Saturday to tell me Cami had been cheating on him the whole time. Karma.

Sad story: I can’t get over it and now I’m almost back to the start. I need to keep moving forward!

I want to have a super intense crush on someone. I’ll work on that this weekend maybe.

my only art.

there are days when i feel invisible. this is one of them.

why are things getting harder?

i can’t think about anything important. all i think about is how i don’t know what the hell is going on. i fucked everything up and things will never be ok again.

stress stress stress and sadness.

Stay tonight and make everything alright.

Lindsay’s birthday week is finally over. I spent way too much money on her. I tots wish my birthday celebrations were that intense.

Friday was the party. I think it was fun, but probs because I tried to invite my friends. Jimena burnt the carpet when a coal from the hookah was blown off the tray by the fan…oops! Now Jamie and Diana are going to hate us hookah-ing even more!

Boys are still stupid. I gave my favorite hoodie to one (no idea why…) and then was super pissed and annoyed the next day. I need to stop wasting my time with boring, unsatisfactory boys. The only appeal of this one was his grad student/TA status. Oh, and that the OTHER boy didn’t show up. Over it. Saw hoodie boy today though and asked him to return it. haha.

Saturday Lindsay, Jessica, and I went to Brent and Derek’s party at Tuscany. I ususally HATE going to Tuscany because of that terrible night two years ago, but we ended up having a really good time. Well, at least Lindsay and I did. Jess was being emo and awkward. Lindsay and I got into a huge fight later that night, but I can’t really remember why or what it was even about. I don’t want to say that because people will think I’m lying or incredibly overdramatic. Both options are embarrassing and suck really bad. Did some stupid stuff. Thought I lost my phone. Turns out it was in Jessica’s car. Go figure. At least I still have a phone.

Getting ready to look for jobs is getting so incredibly stressful. I went to the Bain company presentation tonight and it was fucking intense. I hate Marshall kids. They get so annoyingly into shit like this. I don’t have a chance at getting a real job. I’m going to the CPPC tomorrow to talk to a career counselor. Hopefully they make me feel better about landing a job slash my own ‘unique’ skills and talents. Hopefully.

Yesterday Matchbook Romance randomly played on my iTunes, so I spent a good hour listening to Stories and Alibis. So high school. I associate so many people with those songs…Tiger Lily reminds me of Jordan Mondau and how she loved hearing me sing it…Greatest Fall and Save Yourself screams Rory drama…Hollywood and Vine recalls the time Sam and I skipped first class and bought Warped 2005, which is one of two CDs that changed my life. That’s kind of sad, but it’s true and I love it to this day.

Def called him when I was drunk and upset as fuck Saturday. All he said was, ‘Is this Emily? Bye.’ I still find it highly irritating that he can be that mad at me when what I did was nothing, NOTHING compared to the shit I went through. Then again, I kept going back. I wanted to forgive him. He wants nothing to do with me and that will hopefully encourage me to fucking move on.

I still have a cold. It sucks. I don’t feel like I’m sleeping enough lately. Plus the fucking douchebags that live across the alley are loud as fuck. I want to throw something at them.

Cry me a river.

I didn’t “set your house on fire.” You are overly dramatic and completely dilusional. Get over it.

I don’t know if I did the right thing. I’m having second thoughts, but what’s done is done. Fuck it. Fuck you.

Rescue me.

I make a lot of rash decisions.  I hope that what I just did wasn’t stupid and paranoid but rather sane, cautionary, and productive.  At the very least, I hope that it fucks shit up.

But knowing my luck, it will come to nothing.

I hate him and I hate her.

I’m tired all the time. Last night I sat laid on my bed to read and ended up falling asleep from 8-11. I only woke up because Jimena was going to bed, so I just went back to bed. I took a small nap today despite getting like 10 hours of sleep yesterday. I don’t know what is going on.

My Tuesday and Thursdays could potentially suck really intensly. 8 hours of class could just wear me out.

I don’t start work until Wednesday. I’m not looking forward to working in the call center where messing around will be more obvious. I’m also wondering what the fuck I’ll be doing because they apparently hired a person to do accounting work. Ugh. I need money! I can’t find any internships either.

I keep things will get better, but everything just seems to be going downhill.

Not having a car is boring. I spent my entire day in the apartment today doing homework, baking cupcakes, and playing mahjong. I need some friends.

You’re so guilty it’s disgusting.

Why do people lie so much? Why do people lie so much to ME? You don’t think I know what is going on? I figure that shit out. When haven’t I? It may not always be a timely discovery, but I find out. I suggest that you just don’t say anything at all. Don’t lie to my face. Omit details, please.

I feel terrible. I feel like shit. I am empty. I am full. I am scared. I am incredibly confused. I am angry. I can’t even stress that enough. I am frustrated as hell.

I don’t wish you luck. I hope she fucks you over. Again.

This has gone on way too long.

In other news, I am so fat right now. Not cool. Time to do something for once. That goes for everything.

Wait it out.

The last few days have been intersesting.

Thursday I stayed at the Seattle Waterfront Marriott. SF gave me my own room with a fucking king size bed. The hotel was so amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever stayed anywhere that nice and the best part was that I didn’t have to pay for it! I called him up and had him stay the night, but he was still super jet lagged and fell asleep early. Lame.

I called Phil Friday after work to inform him I wouldn’t be able to go to his barbeque in Alki because of Portugal and Kay Kay. He was totally stoked about the show though, so he, Ben, Nick and his girlfriend tagged along with Bret and I. The show was amazing. El Corazone is much more tolerable when you are able to go to the bar. It was way to hot though. It’s ben around 90 degrees her for the last few days and people from Western Washington just don’t do ‘extreme’ heat.

After the show I met up with the interns in Fremont. That was eh. It would have been more fun if I was able to get there earlier, but I came close to one because the show ended so late.

I bought a new laptop today. It’s a pink Sony Vaio. Everything I get lately is so girly. Whatever. As long as I like it, right? I’m kind of bummed I didn’t get a MacBook, but I really don’t need one, so the price was terrible unappealing. I can’t get the wireless to connect. I spent about 2 hours on the Sony support line trying to figure it out this afternoon. Lame.

Jenny was supposed to be here this weekend, but she isn’t answering my calls. Sound familiar?

I went to Chris and Ryan’s after dinner to hang out slash pick up my sweater. Things are awkward. I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama, BUT IT’S ALWAYS THERE. Fuck my life. After that I drove to the Swiss to meet up with Kate and Bobbie at the Swiss. Dos muchos. I’m not a fan of military guys, trashy girls, and having drinks spilled on me. Overall it was entertaining, but that’s about it. I was sober. That explains a lot.

Now I’m just playing with the new computer, fawning over how quickly it runs. LOVE IT. I’m hungry but there’s nothing tasty to eat in the house. I’m tired but I want to load my iTunes. I complain way to much.

Wow, this computer is fast. All 10,800 of my songs uploaded in like 15 min. Ridiculous. I hope I can keep it this way.

it’s never been harder to fall.

Whenever I hear a song from The Early November’s The Room’s Too Cold, there’s a flashback to junior year of high school. I can see the rain falling on the windshield as I wait for the stoplight to turn to drive up the hill to school. A terrible feeling of loneliness always comes with it, but I’m not sure what could have been going on at this point. Winter of junior year I thought was pretty good. Well, that is if it was October -January. My obsession had recently turned into something tangible. Maybe I listened to this album a lot after I found out he was going out with Kaylie…

Unimportant entry, but I just wanted to document it. I still love this album. It will always give me chills.

I still hate him. I can’t stop thinking about him, whether it be for bad reasons or for good ones. How can I let him have this effect on me when he’s thousands of miles away?