it’s never been harder to fall.

Whenever I hear a song from The Early November’s The Room’s Too Cold, there’s a flashback to junior year of high school. I can see the rain falling on the windshield as I wait for the stoplight to turn to drive up the hill to school. A terrible feeling of loneliness always comes with it, but I’m not sure what could have been going on at this point. Winter of junior year I thought was pretty good. Well, that is if it was October -January. My obsession had recently turned into something tangible. Maybe I listened to this album a lot after I found out he was going out with Kaylie…

Unimportant entry, but I just wanted to document it. I still love this album. It will always give me chills.

I still hate him. I can’t stop thinking about him, whether it be for bad reasons or for good ones. How can I let him have this effect on me when he’s thousands of miles away?

i miss you. could you come around sometime?

Max Bemis decided to sell personalized songs in Say Anything’s merch store and I’m terribly tempted to do it. $150 seems like a good deal for a song written about you the vocalist/lyricist of a band I’ve loved for years.

When I read that post on AP, I immediately started drafting paragraphs. I wanted a song about Rory that would talk about how much I hated him for fucking with me for years. It was spiteful and immature and at the time, I felt strongly about the message. On the drive to Seattle later that night, I realized a song like that wouldn’t do anything to help me get over him, which I thought was the point. All that song would do is remind me of things he’s done and what a piece of shit he is. I know that right now. I want to get over it and move the fuck on.

My latest idea is to briefly explain how I was/am stuck in this tumultous ‘relationship,’ but that I realize I am worth more than some girl on the side. I need an anthem that will motivate me to keep going, to keep my head up, remind me that I am worth so much more than I’ve been treated in the past. That song, that message would be worth the money.

I wish I was a better writer. I fear that I will just sound pathetic and immature.

I’m tired of being here. I don’t feel like I have any friends here. All the people I would love to see are not here. I spend most of my time sitting in my room, sleeping, or shopping. Bad habits come back. I wish I was back in LA, especially when I see the pictures of everyone having fun at parties or just hanging out and being silly. Everything is so serious here.

It’s funny how I think things with the new one are different, but there are so many similarities. I have to drive because he has no car, he tells me my excuses are lame…actually, that’s all I can think of right now. I guess I’m being trivial, but those two things bothered me enough in the last 24 hours to influence my decision to stay in tonight. Fuck driving to Seattle again. I just want to sleep away the rest of the day. Or weekend. Make that summer. I have got to get out of here.

Oh, and I’m still phoneless.

bad habits.

I don’t know why I do the things I do.

If I can’t take control of what is happening, I’m afraid I’ll hurt a lot of people.

Anyway.

Yesterday was Block Party. Pretty fun. Kate and Vi came with me and we had a grand time observing hipsters and drinking lots of alcohol legally. We met up with Bret, Ben, Nick, etc. and just wandered around.

Going to shows without a cell phone is hard.

Phil is coming ‘home’ Wednesday and I am so excited to have something to look forward to this week.

I’ve got a bad feeling about things. Everything says think rationally, be logical, follow your senses. Why do I look the other way? I can’t just pretend things aren’t or can’t happen when it’s quite entirely possible. Ugh. Bad. I am a bad, bad person.