confused.

The drama around here is suffocating me. I don’t understand how I can get so wrapped up in it when my resolution for the year was to avoid it. It’s like I’m destined to always be living amidst fucked up relationships, uncaring and selfish people, stupid decisions, reminders of what being happy is like, etc.

I’m trying to be positive. I don’t want this to get worse, but have no clue how to make it better. Right now I’m in the ‘Try not to drink’ and ‘Say as little as possible’ stages. It’s keeping me out of other peoples’ messes, but what will happen in the long-run? Is this worth it? I just don’t know what to do. I’m not even sure what the fuck is going on most of the time.

Team Jimemily

San Francisco was fun. It just sucks that I was so busy this week I couldn’t update…I’ve probs already forgotten all the fun things!

We planned on leaving Thursday night at 6..that was pushed back to 7, then 8, and we finally started driving around 830. Jime and I drove with some of Hugh’s friends. They were younger than us and really liked the Beatles. How unique. They were nice enough though. It took us forever to get there because we had to stop at UCLA to pick up more people, eat at In-N-Out, and then drop the UCLA people off in Los Gatos. It was like 3 by the time we pulled up to Hugh’s.

Hugh’s house was so cute. I loved how all the walls were colorful. My parents don’t like color, so all the walls are white or as close to white as a color can possibly be. Everything was super asian – the couch, the art, the gate to nowhere. The architecture of the house was interesting and it had an amazing view of the bay. Staying at his house basically made me wish that I was actually good at something so I could get a good job and then a nice house in a nice city and drive a nice car. Too bad I’m so unmotivated.

Friday we woke up fairly early to go eat at this cute place in Menlo Park called Cafe Borrone. Jime and I tried to take the opportunity to take pictures for our continually delayed food blog, but we still kind of suck at it. On top of the poor pictures, I’ve pretty much forgotten what we got. Next time I need to bring like notebook or something. After lunch we pretended that we were Stanford students and explored the campus. It was so fucking hot…I don’t understand California right now…After Stanford we hung out at Hugh’s and napped until he came back from picking people up from the airport. Kevin and Dan arrived while he was gone and told us all about their adventures exploring SF on two hours of sleep. We TOLD them leaving at 4AM to get more sleep at night was a bad idea, but did they listen? Of course not. Hugh came back and made an amazing dinner. I thought I hated lamb and asparagus, but I ended up liking both! Now I want to experiment with more cooking. I just need more fucking time.

Saturday we explored SF. We went to Fisherman’s Wharf to walk around, see the sea lions, and apparently get scared by a homeless man hiding behind ‘bushes.’ Fuck that guy. Dan and I were so scared. I was super jumpy after that experience, so while I was recording a sea lion fight, I almost dropped my camera in the damn water when a seagull flew towards me. I screamed so loud. It was super embarrassing. I have it all on video, too. Haha. Yay youtube. Later we went to this club called the Cellar. It was ok. I def don’t need to go back there if I make it back to SF, but the 80’s room was fun enough. After the club closed I passed by a group of Irish boys and tried to go home with them, but Kevin physically moved me from them. Probs a wise choice. I was really bummed though…I have a problem with Irish boys. We then all walked to Union Square to meet up with the exchange students. Jime and I decided we weren’t tired yet, so we agreed to stay in SF and let everyone else go home. Great idea. We went to Ruby Skye for 10 minutes until we realized that the only people left were haggard old women nasty guys. Luckily the other people had waited for us, so we still had a ride home. I don’t know. The night was fucking crazy. Cougers. Taxis. Mean landlords. Gross guys. Ghetto guys. Scary homeless zombies. I don’t think I like SF that much.

We left the next day with Kevin and Dan, who were intent on driving straight from SF to LA. I had to pee so bad when we got out of the car. The best part of Sunday was coming back to a clean apartment…and a passive aggressive note telling us to clean up. Umm, no. Jime and I c,lean our shit. We hold our end of the rent bargain, they need to as well. We put all their stuff in their room that is supposed to be stored and have refused to take out the garbage. Also, Jime’s not talking to her either. It’s so strange, but I prefer it. Next semester is going to be strange though.

It was so hard to go back to school after the weekend. It was so much fun and we really needed to get out of the city. Add to that all the projects that are due in two weeks, and that makes for a very unhappy Emily. Ugh and I still need to find a subletter for Jime’s half of the room.

Thursday I went to see Twilight with Amanda and her roommates. I was pretty drunk so I don’t remember all of it, but just that it wasn’t very good. RPatz was hot though. That’s all that matters.

Last night we went out to Boulevard 3 with the exchange students. Jime organized the event and we went in a stretch escalade! It was only my 2nd time in a limo. At first I was in a morose mood, but as I drank more alcohol, I felt exponentially better. We ended up having a really good time. Ugh once again Kevin had to physically move me from a potentially sketch situation. I need to do something really nice for him soon.

I am really _______ about people and their guys. Why don’t I have one? Do I even want one? Why do I get so fucking pissed about it? Why does it bother me so much? Why am I such a jealous bitch? I am disgusting.

lost:

job.

iPod.

cell phones.

jacket.

sleep.

friends.

sanity.

motivation.

control.

Stay tonight and make everything alright.

Lindsay’s birthday week is finally over. I spent way too much money on her. I tots wish my birthday celebrations were that intense.

Friday was the party. I think it was fun, but probs because I tried to invite my friends. Jimena burnt the carpet when a coal from the hookah was blown off the tray by the fan…oops! Now Jamie and Diana are going to hate us hookah-ing even more!

Boys are still stupid. I gave my favorite hoodie to one (no idea why…) and then was super pissed and annoyed the next day. I need to stop wasting my time with boring, unsatisfactory boys. The only appeal of this one was his grad student/TA status. Oh, and that the OTHER boy didn’t show up. Over it. Saw hoodie boy today though and asked him to return it. haha.

Saturday Lindsay, Jessica, and I went to Brent and Derek’s party at Tuscany. I ususally HATE going to Tuscany because of that terrible night two years ago, but we ended up having a really good time. Well, at least Lindsay and I did. Jess was being emo and awkward. Lindsay and I got into a huge fight later that night, but I can’t really remember why or what it was even about. I don’t want to say that because people will think I’m lying or incredibly overdramatic. Both options are embarrassing and suck really bad. Did some stupid stuff. Thought I lost my phone. Turns out it was in Jessica’s car. Go figure. At least I still have a phone.

Getting ready to look for jobs is getting so incredibly stressful. I went to the Bain company presentation tonight and it was fucking intense. I hate Marshall kids. They get so annoyingly into shit like this. I don’t have a chance at getting a real job. I’m going to the CPPC tomorrow to talk to a career counselor. Hopefully they make me feel better about landing a job slash my own ‘unique’ skills and talents. Hopefully.

Yesterday Matchbook Romance randomly played on my iTunes, so I spent a good hour listening to Stories and Alibis. So high school. I associate so many people with those songs…Tiger Lily reminds me of Jordan Mondau and how she loved hearing me sing it…Greatest Fall and Save Yourself screams Rory drama…Hollywood and Vine recalls the time Sam and I skipped first class and bought Warped 2005, which is one of two CDs that changed my life. That’s kind of sad, but it’s true and I love it to this day.

Def called him when I was drunk and upset as fuck Saturday. All he said was, ‘Is this Emily? Bye.’ I still find it highly irritating that he can be that mad at me when what I did was nothing, NOTHING compared to the shit I went through. Then again, I kept going back. I wanted to forgive him. He wants nothing to do with me and that will hopefully encourage me to fucking move on.

I still have a cold. It sucks. I don’t feel like I’m sleeping enough lately. Plus the fucking douchebags that live across the alley are loud as fuck. I want to throw something at them.

it’s time to go.

I had a near death experience today.

My mother woke me up this morning asking, “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?’

Fuck. It was 7:20. I’m usually in my car on the way to work at that time.

After a minor hysteric episode, I managed to brush my teeth, put my contacts in, find something to wear, and race to DuPont.  Somehow i managed to get there in time to pick up the pool car and begin the 90 minute journey to Kelso for my morning interview.

Just outside of Olympia, I noticed a white moving van on the left side of the road. I glanced in my rear view mirror to see what was going on behind me, as if the cars behind me could miraculously explain what was happening. As I continue driving at 70 mph, THE FUCKING WHITE VAN TRIES TO MERGE LEFT AT 10 MPH. I screamed, swerved a little, glared over at the white van driven by two hispanics, and kept driving, though after that incident, I was terribly shaken up. I really don’t think I’ve ever been that scared in a car before.

I made it to Kelso and back to my house to shower without any problems, thank god.

Lately my head feels really strange. Maybe it’s my contacts. Maybe it’s the fact that I sit in front of a computer screen for 8 hours a day, bored out of my fucking mind. Maybe it’s my terrible eating habits. I need an Advil.